With 3 of 4 final exams for the semester under my belt, I finally feel like I have a free moment to look around and smell...something besides formaldehyde. This has been a very interesting quarter for me, probably more personally than professionally, and I'm not really sure it's been a positive change. Here's the quick recap:
1) Acquired a new nickname, which I believe coincides with spending enough time with some classmates that my apparently impenetrable shell was, well, penetrated. I knew people thought of me as a little intense, but I kinda chalked that up to being in a very, almost pathologically, laid back part of the country. However, I had no idea just exactly what that meant to people. One of my anatomy lab-mates on trying to set me up: "CC, I'm trying to think of people I know that I could introduce you to...[pensive pause]...well, they're all really nice, but you'd eat them alive." Eat them alive? Where does this come from?! Then there was the other comment about eating small children and kicking puppies, but I'm pretty sure that was a joke. I think. Though the repeated "gunner" comments were probably not so much in jest. Again, since when is wanting to be a good doctor a crime? I help anyone I can, and do my best not to make anyone else feel bad or stupid--how does this make me a gunner? As long as you don't steal my light while I'm dissecting, I'm a really nice person. I swear!
2) I might have done very well this semester, but the price was very high. My gym attendance has dropped precipitously, I'm terrified to get on a scale, and I've been ill twice in a single quarter. Is killing anatomy worth all that? My head is just not in a good place, which is in large part due to...
3) ...high-maintenance friends may or may not be better than no friends. As I mentioned, I spent more time with other folks this quarter, which ostensibly should be better for my non-existent social life, but honestly just feels like a big emotional energy suck. No doubt this is about my inability to lean on others, but somehow these two relationships have felt very one-sided... [Redacted to protect the guilty...that'd be me]
4) In the year-off-for-research debate, I've defaulted to no year off, but I continue to be nervous about my research exposure for residency applications. Then again, doing research as a resume building exercise is a bit foolish. So, I've decided to write a book with my mom instead. In all our free time. This of course begs the question: what kind of career do you really want for yourself? If you don't want an academic career, it's a moot point. However, I'm stuck in the academic cycle of "if you can, you should". That is, the expectation is that you'll go to an academic residency, and if you don't, it's because you weren't academically competitive enough. This was reinforced when a good friend was staying with me on the way to one of her residency interviews--she's been to every major academic program in the country (Boston, St. Louis, Rochester, Raleigh-Durham, Seattle, etc.), and mentioned feeling the same kind of pressure to me, though she's also not sure whether she wants anything more than to be a great all-around anesthesiologist at a community hospital. Sigh. Decisions, decisions.
I'm guessing there will be a "Part 2" to the recap once I get some more sleep and figure out what I'm missing, but this will have to suffice for now--off to lunch with my advisor. Here's hoping he's got some pearls of wisdom for me...
Happy Holidays everyone!
-CC
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